Selling myself

mmmmmm like sex

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 05:15:13 GMT

IM SO CRAVING THAT VIETNAMESE SOUP FROM PHO 88 RFN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

first phone "i love you"

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 03:47:13 GMT

I just ended a phone conversation saying "i love you"
and hearing Tylers voice say "i love you too"

and I know he means it
as he is a man of his word
and he has only ever said it to me
and i feel like a million bucks

just thinking

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 01:48:17 GMT

There's a star man waiting in the sky. He'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks he'll blow our minds.

That star man is me, and I am outer space. Just floating along, bouncing off various objects, spinning alittle, watching the earth come up. Thinking of earth and all that is on it and trying to see it all at once, but there is the dark side that I will never be able to see. Somewhere dolphins are jumping with joy, someones hat is swaying back and forth on the ocean floor, a giant squid is in orbit... people are dancing, people are having orgasims, people are reading what you've written... it is raining, it is pouring, an old man is snoring... a child is thirsty, a vulture picks at a carcass... a mouse runs along a subway tunnel while some kids try and act like grown-ups... someone adjusts their cardboard bed, someone cries into a feather pillow... someone tells their kid they need money to be happy, someone tells their kid that all you need is love... a candle is burning out, a sun is exploding... a boy is looking at himself in a mirror and preparing to meet a girl... a girl is sipping her tea wishing there was a boy preparing to meet her... someone is sleeping while someone is fighting a war... someone is thinking... someone is thinking about me... someone is thinking about you.

some goals

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 01:04:45 GMT

I am trying to put myself in other peoples shoes and make decisions that will please those feet. Keeping in mind the asian philosophy that the right action is the action that does the greatest good for the greatest number of people, including myself.

I want to remember every day that humans don't need much to be happy, and the more we depend on posessions to be happy the more we are posessed by them. The more money we gain the more we will want, until we fall in a vicious cycle of never ending unsatisfaction. I never want to be like that.

I want to have perspective, and realize what is important in life, and that I probably have it, so I should be happy.

I want to rid myself of anxiety. I keep in mind that I am an individual and my quirks are okay, but at the same time everyone is an individual and I should never set myself completely apart, for then I will feel alone, and that's when anxiety gets the best of me.

I long to find peace in my head.

I want to share myself. I want to give happiness to others.

I hope I can do all this. I want to so badly.

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 06:00:14 GMT

A great weekend with Trina Kaus aka teknicalwaves. We put on our fieldhockey jurseys and played for the first time since highschool. We still got it! A little rusty, but forever champ material;)
We also spent nice time going to the market and exploring London, from the sunny streets to the flooded park. Was relaxing and really nice.

Today was great too. Need I describe the amazing feeling of hearing the birds, smelling the earth, feeling the breeze, and falling for someone? It's the best feeling ever.
Tyler and I rode our bikes. We ended up at this park at sunset. We played on the spinny cup, I took a couple photos,
What a beautiful day, spent with a beautiful boy.

Ty and I

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 01:56:13 GMT

for a minute there i lost myself

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 20:57:17 GMT

it's the nicest thing someone can do when they do something for you for no particular reason other than for you. Someone thinks about me, sometimes, and that means a lot to me. Thanks.

insert meaningful song lyric to me here

Thu, 12 Jan 2006 01:12:17 GMT

I feel so utterly alone right now. I'm drunk and high and alone, i'm overwhelmed, i'm confused, i think i'm sad but i don't know. i'm just so fucking emotional i guess.
Tell me what's wrong with me? why am i crying? why is it that I'm on a fuckig computer!??! if writing makes me feel better why don't i write on paper where it's at least more intimate?!?

Philosophy

isn't drunken writing so great because it's so utterly honest?

peace

ps- the only reason i'm writing this is for myself

fuck

lets sing for world peace!

Tue, 10 Jan 2006 05:46:58 GMT

you've probably seen the GI JOE cartoons either from seeing them back in the 80's or by the gay dubb versions you can find on ebaumsworld or wherever, but has anyone seen a Barbie movie? It's the exact same animation, hardly moving people on repeat,and equally as funny.
Now that I'm back in London with my housemates we had a girl night - secret santa (i feel bad cause i gave the crappiest/least expensive gift) and watching Leahs old favorite movie "Barbie and the Rockers go to Space". Barbie is the hottest singer around and her frizz haired sholder padded group does the first ever performance in space for world peace, which they achieve as the whole world sings along to their rockin 80's tunes about friendship. Any little girls dream (except for this little girl who played with lego and sea animals) which is so hilariously cheasy.
Then when we couldn't work the volume we watched some random soap opera in mute and added the voices. We made up that the guys were gay and the women were saying slutty things to get with them... and low and behold (i don't get that saying im just saying it) the guys kiss in the end. That was pretty ironic.
So anyway another fun night.
Its not bad to be back in London. Lots of good to look forward to. I want to get to be better friends with my housemates, i want to socialize more, i hope to shit all less, and i really hope i do better in school cause i'm in deep doo doo, at least according to my dad, who has been a lot nicer since i wrote him that letter, and i want to accomplish shit.

What else...

~wrote mr.Singh a long e-mail today - first time i communicated with him since highschool
~made friends with this guy named Har Deep who i totally overlooked before. he's so intelligent and talking to him for a few hours was really interesting.
~looking forward to a good weekend in Guelph
~hoping to see Tyler tonight...
~how do you make a journal "friends only"? i think i just did but i dunno.
~goodnight.

oh BOY...

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 02:58:48 GMT

so many words on the tip of my tounge, but again I just can't spit it out. How many times do I press backspace? a lot.
I miss Tyler. My holiday would be so much better if I could do all the things I've been doing plus Tyler. I'm at my cottage, it's dark and cold, my dad's a dick, i'm ATVing managing to overlook the negatives and enjoy the positives, but still wishing I could share it all with Tyler.
So I write him an email. Backspace so many times. Finally I deside not to send it.
Too sappy, too soon. Don't want to come off as desperate, don't want to scare him. I just want him to read something that will make him smile, and think of me.
There are so many ways to go about these things. I've learned text is not always the best way. It's easy to fantasize and make believe that way. It's too easy to be poetic, and misintrepret.
I've decided the best way to go about these things is in the heat of the moment, which is of course better face to face. That way is the most honest. That's probably why I express myself the best when i'm alittle drunk and emotional.
But honestly, I'm a romantic, and I just want to share myself with someone who will appreciate me. I hope Tyler's it. I think he is. I think I appreciate him. I could go on. But I'll stop now.

He's off to Whistler, I'm off to Mexico. 7 days, then his warm bed and soft body will be mine!

One of those days

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 06:45:24 GMT

Everything seems good to me.

Yesterday I did such and such all day (blood taken, yuck), and met up with Andres around 5. We went to the local pub (Brass Taps) and ordered pitcher after pitcher after pitcher (that makes 3) without realizing time go by. Good real quality time. Moments. Laughs, and even allllmost tears on my cheesy sensitive part.

When my mom picked me up to take me to the next bar (awsome mom) that my dad wanted me to go to because he was having a party for his staff, she was really upset with me. Apparently my hair was messy and my slipping on the ice and being giddy and smelling like booze/good time really scared her. She said "it's not attractive for a lady to be as drunk as you" and brushed my hair as i fought off the urge to yell teenage drama shit at her. But we got over it, as she admitted thismorning she only overreacted because i'm her baby.

At the fancy jazzy bar my dad took over cosmopolitins were on the house. 1, 2, 3 who knows. I just know I had a hellofalot of fun shooting the shit with his cleaning lady and dancing with my dad and sister and being spun around. My dad was really smashed too. That was the first time I saw him since our "confrontation" and despite our both being smashed and giddy to begin with i think it's a nice start for a new relationship. I'll be working on it in Mexico.

I started off the morning puking for a few hours, but actually happy by the fact that my hangover was only a few hours considering the night before. Then I checked my e-mail and was happy to see an email from Tim that was basically just a repeat of a bunch of nice conversations we had last year, and he simply added that I'm a great friend. I luv ya Tim.

Then my mom was nice enough to drive me to the Eaton Center to meet Jon. Chaos with all the people, so we got out of there quick. I helped a blind man cross the street. I felt good about that.
Jon is someone I met through Jay who lives in Guelph who is extremely friendly and intelligent. We had a really great time all day. First we drank juice and talked about this and that, then we went to the Art Gallery and saw a new exhibit called "Catherine the Great" and told more stories and cracked jokes, then we walked along Queen West and ate really yummy indian food, then we went to the Black Market and bought a few joke t's. All the while we had really honest and good conversations. I love it when you meet someone who is on your wavelength, who you can be automatically comfortable with, who you don't have to feel the conversations was forced, etc...

Then I got together with 4 of my best girlfriends (the only ones missing were Esther and Melanie) who I hadn't seen in forever. We had dinner then came back to my place and watched Legends of the Fall. It was good. Kinda chick flicky, but we could make fun of it and be moved by it at the same time. Trina and Sanda say funny ass shit a lot. Trina's licking up the guacamole with her fingers and Sanda says "Stop fingering my guacamole" and Trina says "Stop fingering my mom"... dead scilence... uncontrolable laughter.

I just watched my dog Indie wrestle with his uncle for the last ten minutes. They're both pretty much puppies, Charlie being 3 years old and Indie just turned 1. Cutest shit ever.

Christmas is just around the corner. I'm happy with the presents I got people. Jon and Cammie both got me presents which is really sweet, and I'm excited as to what they could be.

Tomorrow I'm getting my hair done AGAIN. I love getting my hair done, changing my look. I guess the only problem this break is that i'm spending too much money, and that my hair might fall out! but this will be the last time i dye it for a long time i swear. I just want a solid colour, no more of these crazy colours i have to touch up all the time. Oh and a funky cut. I like funky!

Now I have asthma.

I guess the best part about the last couple days was all the sincere tight long lasting hugs, and feeling comfortable in my own shoes, I guess cause i'm back in my own hood. I'm surpressed a lot out of shyness and self-consiousness, but when I'm with people I can let loose with I feel really good about myself. As I do now.

When everything is going really well in my life i worry that i could loose this feeling like that (snap). It's happened before. Something usually goes horribly wrong, or at least something happens that I can't get over. I really hope that doesn't happen. I wish life could always be smooth sailing. But that's naive. All that's important is that there's one moment, and it's right now, and making the best of the present is the only way to live my life.

Also there is a dead sexy gorgeous and sweet bass playing snowboarder guy waiting for me back in London.

I'm a really lucky girl. I'm gonna try to share it. The best I can do for now is agnolidging my only two readers - Josh and Tim - and telling them I think they're gr8 and they diserve the best everything.

I'm so cheasy i'm dripping with pink smell good goo...

you're sick!

Goodnight!

i love

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 20:23:24 GMT

coffee

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 19:09:37 GMT

http://cheston.com/pbf/archive.html
great comics

love me two times

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 06:49:38 GMT

Snow is silent love.

Happy Bunny is dysfunctional love.

Mitch Hedberg is all-encompassingly love.

Love is just love.

I'm using graphics from Rampant Chaos Designs.

ps josh - sry for posting the snow one twice! ::Blush::

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 20:38:36 GMT

I went fishing. I don't even know what bait i used. But out of the dark I caught something beautiful. It's a keeper. I shall call him Tyler <3

god of the crossroads

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 19:34:27 GMT

Had the craziest dream last night. I wonder what it means.

First of all I have reoccuring dreams about the end of the world/my life. It usually involves a Tsunami, and similar natural disasters like storms and tornadoes. Last winter possibly the night of or night after the major Tsunami hit in the East I had a dream where I was standing on the roof of my house watching a huge Tsunami ingulf the CN tower, and thinking "Now I believe in a God of some sort, because there is someone out there who is pissed at the human race and is deciding to end it..." but not wanting to die by someone elses hands I jumped off my roof head first just before the Tsunami swept Toronto away.

Last night, or early thismorning (i don't really know).
I was at my cottage with and few people overlooking the lake as the skies turned dark and the winds picked up. The sky was rolling like waves, and 3 tornadoes formed in the distance. One little one passed us suddenly but we could see a monster coming at us in the distance. People started panicing so I took my sister and brother to the main cottage and watched from the window.
In the bay infront of us a whirlpool started to form. Waves were reaching massive heights, storm in full swing, as the whirl pool got bigger and bigger. It started sucking up all the water in the lake, spiraling to a point at the bottom of the lake. Then there were 2 people - a man and a woman, sitting on chairs, with the water spirling into their heads like crazy wavy blue hair. In awe and fear I took my sisters hand and we hid in the back closet in a pile of blankets. But a few minutes later we could hear someone coming in the house and we could feel the presence of a different type of person. The steps came right to the closet door and I pushed my foot against it to keep it closed, but somehow the being walked through it.
It was a black woman, looking kind of like The Orical in The Matrix, who also looks like the therapyst I saw for a while. She said "Hi Colleen, do you have a minute?" I said yes. She said "my name is Merculese". I said "wow, that's a nice name, kind or sounds like Hurculese but with an M" she chuckeled and pulled out a clip board and a pensil. "I have one question for you: Do you believe the people in your world are real?" I said "some of them". She wrote that on the paper, said "thanks for your time"... and the dream ended there.

Only when I was showering did I remember this dream, and realized that Mercury is a greek god, and to me symbolizes water (since sailor moon:P)

I just looked this up:

Any threshold, any area of transition, is steeped in magic and legend and the most significant of these is the Crossroads where the veil to the otherworld is thin. Crossroads, like doorways, are potent with the transcendent powers of gods, spirits, and the dead. They symbolise the necessary transition from one phase of life to another, and from life to death.

Oedipus killed his father at a crossroads. A three-way fork in the road was ruled by Hecate, goddess of ghosts and magic, and statues of Mercury stood guard at cross junctions. Mercury, god of the crossroads, is also the god of trade, profit and commerce, of story telling. quick thinking, magic, illusion, and trickery. To round off his talents and blessings, he is the god of thieves
...
Mercury may be the robber and cattle rustler, the prince of tricksters and the thief at the gates, but he is also the bringer of dreams and the patron of travellers. Little phallic statues honouring him were erected at crossroads and a small pile of stones was placed at the side of the road with each traveller making an addition to the pile. (We still see this custom followed today). But the god of the crossroads is also the governor of the tongue, the guide of intelligent speech and the inspiration for clever ideas. To symbolise a bright idea, instead of a lightbulb appearing over the heads of protoganists, the ancient writers sketched Mercury, arriving on the scene with inspiration from on high and carrying a message from the gods.

I truely believe dreams are more than they appear to be. I believe in parallel universes, superior forces, mystery, omens, and an ultimate reality that has yet to be realized. I think dreams are alittle window into that world. Like Atman is the realization of a self that is beyond the empirical universe, I believe there is more to the world than what we can objectify. I think that dream was a visitation.
I wonder if I said the right thing? It's like she was interviewing me for that other world. I will never find out if I'm made for it until it happens. One day I will be ready for something great. It will be bliss.

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 18:36:22 GMT

Nobody's falling in love
Everybody here needs a shove

Nobody's getting any touch
Everybody thinks it means too much

Nobody's coming undone
Everybody here is afraid of fun

Nobody's getting any play
It's the saddest night out in the USA